I wish I believed in Karma. Or why I am experience delayed Rage.
So. I have whole periods where I forget that the whole issue with the Ex happened, and just remember he has always been one of my best friends.
Then I get phone calls from our mutual friends (who don't know about the train wreck) about how great he is to the new girl, and how new girl is SUPER SUPER THE BESTEST EVAAAA and his happy happy life now--all I can think is wow,now that I have less of a presence in his life, everything is just cupcakes, and roses and blah. And. I . Get. Mega. Pissed. I mean, cause I was nothing but kind, supportive and fun during a hard time in his life.... and he took that and threw it away like it was trash... which is where the anger comes in.
Pissed enough to hope this new girl, does to him, what he did to me. Which is SO. NOT. GRACE. LIKE. (I said, I forgave him so, I will FORGIVE HIM dang it. even if I am forgivng DAILY until 2009) I usually have to force myself to go work out for a minimum of 1 hour before I can calm myself down back to a zen moment of "okayity." Then I can say a short prayer for The Ex and move along.
But today was one of those days, that I wished Karma existed and it would come back and get the ex. I guess, I have no reason to want it, esp. since karma is a vicious cycle that will eventually get everyone, so it would only hurt me long term. But, I wish he felt as bad and stupid like i do, when I consider, I thought he really cared about me. I hate feeling stupid, I hate feeling like I should have known better and I HATE HATE that I didn't do anything wrong, I was just me and that wasn't good enough. Me, is not good enough. So I hit the gym for some much needed circuit training, and then 30 minutes of the stairmaster, 20 minutes of eliptical and 10 minutes of biking. (yes, I am a gym-junkie) It (plus one long bitchfest with JASE and J.... I love my boys*) brought me back down.
I think the delayed rage comes from fear. Even though I don't want to be with the Ex and I do look forward to the day when we can just go back to being us (which we do v. well when we talk on the phone or see each other and do horrible when we are not. The fear that *I* will never find someone, whilst the boy who treated me not so nice (not actually mean, but not so nice either) will have the perfect relationship with the girl he picked over me. The perfect life, the perfect relationship, the perfect anything, and I will just be the stupid girl he thought he cared about but was actually just using as a placeholder until something better came along.
Uh. I think I need to go back to the gym. Thank god for 24 hour fitness.... all hours for working out baby. I am feeling a run on the treadmill... tommorrow I will be more grace-giving, just as soon as I run it off today. (I have, however, lost 5 pounds of fat and gained 3 pounds of muscle.)
Happy 2008 All.
Addendum--Please DO NOT be confused ALL... I do not want to be with my ex... any guy that would throw me away once would do it again and I am not a glutton for punishment... but really, I should have mattered a *little* bit more than the way it all went down.
Then I get phone calls from our mutual friends (who don't know about the train wreck) about how great he is to the new girl, and how new girl is SUPER SUPER THE BESTEST EVAAAA and his happy happy life now--all I can think is wow,now that I have less of a presence in his life, everything is just cupcakes, and roses and blah. And. I . Get. Mega. Pissed. I mean, cause I was nothing but kind, supportive and fun during a hard time in his life.... and he took that and threw it away like it was trash... which is where the anger comes in.
Pissed enough to hope this new girl, does to him, what he did to me. Which is SO. NOT. GRACE. LIKE. (I said, I forgave him so, I will FORGIVE HIM dang it. even if I am forgivng DAILY until 2009) I usually have to force myself to go work out for a minimum of 1 hour before I can calm myself down back to a zen moment of "okayity." Then I can say a short prayer for The Ex and move along.
But today was one of those days, that I wished Karma existed and it would come back and get the ex. I guess, I have no reason to want it, esp. since karma is a vicious cycle that will eventually get everyone, so it would only hurt me long term. But, I wish he felt as bad and stupid like i do, when I consider, I thought he really cared about me. I hate feeling stupid, I hate feeling like I should have known better and I HATE HATE that I didn't do anything wrong, I was just me and that wasn't good enough. Me, is not good enough. So I hit the gym for some much needed circuit training, and then 30 minutes of the stairmaster, 20 minutes of eliptical and 10 minutes of biking. (yes, I am a gym-junkie) It (plus one long bitchfest with JASE and J.... I love my boys*) brought me back down.
I think the delayed rage comes from fear. Even though I don't want to be with the Ex and I do look forward to the day when we can just go back to being us (which we do v. well when we talk on the phone or see each other and do horrible when we are not. The fear that *I* will never find someone, whilst the boy who treated me not so nice (not actually mean, but not so nice either) will have the perfect relationship with the girl he picked over me. The perfect life, the perfect relationship, the perfect anything, and I will just be the stupid girl he thought he cared about but was actually just using as a placeholder until something better came along.
Uh. I think I need to go back to the gym. Thank god for 24 hour fitness.... all hours for working out baby. I am feeling a run on the treadmill... tommorrow I will be more grace-giving, just as soon as I run it off today. (I have, however, lost 5 pounds of fat and gained 3 pounds of muscle.)
Happy 2008 All.
Addendum--Please DO NOT be confused ALL... I do not want to be with my ex... any guy that would throw me away once would do it again and I am not a glutton for punishment... but really, I should have mattered a *little* bit more than the way it all went down.
posted by Shanelle at 8:57 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home